Tales of local life

BRIGHTON BREAZY PART TWO

There must be ways we can brighten up Brighton.

Take those parking vouchers for example. Instead of just scratch cards, how about "Scratch and Sniff" parking vouchers. Every time you scratch off the day or date a particular Brighton pong greets you. It could be the smell of the sea. Or perhaps fish and chips. Which is what you're more likely to smell anyway if you're down by the seafront. It could be the scent of flowers to celebrate Brighton in bloom. It could be some thing unmentionable if you happen to be parking round the back of little Preston st when the dustbins haven't been collected. It better not be the scent of the west pier.

I went on a tour of the west pier earlier this year. I was invited along with a group of writers to feel the atmosphere. All I felt was nauseous. I was completely unprepared for the decay of a dying building. I am amazed they don't give out sick bags with every life jacket.

There are dead pigeons everywhere. As you walk along you feel the crunch of bones underneath your feet.

The smell of rotting carcasses is overwhelming. A cleaning company comes in regularly and sweeps the piles of pigeons into the corners. The man that came to steam clean my car told me that he'd been on there steam blasting the rails and walls to protect the public. But when he and his team are on the west pier they wear full protective clothing. Like a spacesuit. So how come we can go on there with just a hard hat and a lifejacket?

The image that stays is my mind is that of a faded sign on an outside wall saying Restaurant, and in front of it a seagull was tucking into the brains of a dead pigeon. Nice to know that seagulls do eat things other than what's in our rubbish bags. Which takes me back to my original subject brightening up Brighton. Surely someone can invent a bin liner that repels seagulls. There must be something that they don't like. And then when there's nothing left in my street that they fancy they can all hover around the west pier and dive-bomb a passing pigeon for a tasty snack. Enjoy your breakfast.

by Janice Cramer

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