Humorous Tales |
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A SPACE MISSION WHO'S THERE? One evening on the way home from the Docklands I came across a phone box. It was empty but the phone was ringing incessantly. A PAIN IN THE BACK (SIDE)...QUITE LITERALLY Mine's a double. Ha! Make it a triple this time, and I'm talking vodka...not triplets! HOUSE (SPOUSE) HUNTING With another Bank Holiday imminent and a widow of more than five years, I felt a wave of desolation engulf me at the thought of spending it yet again, alone. A ROLLING STONE, LIKE This article begins with an explanation of its title. Of course there is the obvious connection with the brilliant composition by our good friend Robert Allen Zimmerman which as been performed by the World and His Wife. NEXT YEAR, THE SHOPS! As you watch the horror stories that are the January sales unfold in your newspaper, perhaps you think, "Oh, no, not me". A CHRISTMAS STORY We usually spent Christmas at Worthing, celebrating the memory of Jesus with our dear aunt & uncle, Marie and Hugh, not forgetting our dear cousins Karl and Huw. Bird Talk You looked across to me with those blue eyes, smiled faintly, and then closed those eyes forever. Surely not, you wanted to leave me after so many years together. You are not in the house, I will go out and find you somewhere in the village. Down by the river bridge. In the fields and woods the water flowed through. Sitting on the banks on the summer days. The wild flowers that grew in profusion, the seat on the top of the hill sitting together, hand in hand, at peace with the world. You will come to me round the next bend or over the next hill. By then it came to me you really had gone. Never again would I hold you and love you. My heart filled with sadness and eyes full with tears. What can I... HERNIA TODAY, GONE TOMORROW? Question: How long should you leave it after a hernia repair operation before walking two miles to sign on at the Job Centre? COCK CROW I am slowly recovering from the effects of a bug, introduced by using contact lenses carelessly, which made me blind. CUT! I THINK I JUST CHANGED MY MIND I have a nervous disposition. Sometimes it is as though my nerves have a life of their own, and their life only coincides with the rest of me when it suits them. EXPERIENCE OF FLEA TRAINING FOR A FLEA CIRCUS Ben had lost his job, like so many others. He had suddenly become redundant and had been paid off with a little money which he knew wouldn't last long if he didn't find a job soon. IT'S RAINING MEN DEEP IN SOUTH EAST ENGLAND THE POST BOX REVENGE There is a lovely red post box in the Market Square, which is much used by the public. SEEING DOUBLE When I had a lens inserted into my right (and only seeing) eye it was good for a while, but then the lens shifted off centre and from then on I had a double image to my left of everything I looked at close range. A FLIGHT WITH CLAIRE VOYANTE The girl working at the dry cleaner's where Andrew took his uniforms after each trip was most intrigued. At each visit she tried to guess to which uniformed service he belonged. LAURA I penned this rhyme to Laura, a young care assistant who helps me shower 3 times a week. HERNIA TODAY, GONE TOMORROW? Question: How long should you leave it after a hernia repair operation before walking two miles to sign on at the Job Centre? HOMESTAY BLUES Accommodating English language students seemed a good way of making a few extra pounds at a time when our earnings were insufficient to pay the bills and with Christmas approaching. With the luxury of a couple of spare rooms, both of us in education, and living in Brighton and Hove - a Mecca for language schools - the homestay scheme seemed ideal. UNDERPANTS Oh I wish I had changed my underpants HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN WE ARE OLD? How do we know when we are old? It was first made clear to me when I was nearing retirement age and was stopped in the street by a lady with a clipboard doing a survey. Having covered all her questions she seemed quite satisfied with the result. When it came to the end of the questionnaire and the tick box for age range had to be completed, her expression changed. The tick box stopped at 55 and I didn't! DOGGONE IT It was moment of decision and, being the holiday period, I opted for something totally different. FROM A FOOTBALL COACH Now that the dreaded summer holidays are upon us many parents will be sending their little cherubs to various sports related courses around the area. Spare a thought for those masochists who help run these events. A CHRISTMAS STORY We usually spent Christmas at Worthing, celebrating the memory of Jesus with our dear aunt & uncle, Marie and Hugh, not forgetting our dear cousins Karl and Huw.
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